The Tavern is Hell wrapped in greed, murder, and lust. It is a place of thieves, a place of violence, and a place where things crawl out of a hole leading to hell. The Tavern is stories of lives lived, of lives lost and of a world that is changed. Come into the Tavern. Listen to the podcast of its tales.
Baron Von Smelterhoffen
I am Baron Von Smelterhoffen. Who, you ask, is Baron Von Smelterhoffen? It would be better if you asked what. I am dark energy swirling within a black hole. I am the whisper in the dark, the blade in the back, and I am the master, your master, in the Tavern.
You scoff I see. No, don't look away. Look into my eyes. Look down. Yes. Yes. You see me clealy now. I am short, you say, barely three and a half feet tall. My legs are bowed, my arms long and hairy. Broken claws jut from stubby fingers. They are fat, those fingers, thick sausages of bone and suet. I am fat. I bulge in every direction. My belly hangs to my knees. My butt drags on the ground. At night, before I sleep, I pull gravel and dirt and slivers from my callused behind.
Do not laugh or I will step on your foot and crush your bone. I am heavy...and strong. You see my strength in my face. My forehead bulges above cruel dark eyes. My nose is large and wide, allowing me to smell your fear, sweat, and blood. My lips are thin. My fangs yellow and sharp. In the light, I have skin. When it is dark, I have none. I wear dried blood for my clothes.
Fear me, mortal. I am not human, Dwarf, or Troll. I am the Baron. Fear for your wives and daughters, for I am their desire. Fear for your sons. Their deaths are my sport. Fear me, mortal, for I fear nothing except the Lizard.
Everyone fears the Lizard.
Lizard
Fear the Lizard? Why should anyone fear the Lizard. I am nothing. I am small in my true form, barely thirty feet long if you include my tail. As a humanoid, I am laughter and smiles. I have no bad moods unless my scales are not well oiled. I like my scales oiled. They shine beneath the sun. They glisten in the moonlight. They are sharp, those scales, and poisonous, but I am careful with them. I hardly ever scrape against something living. Even then, I am not in a bad mood. I appologize almost everytime before they die. Sometimes I take the body home for play. They bounce so nice when I toss them in the air. When they stop bouncing, after a day or so, I slide my platinum claws into their body and let all the bad gasses out. It is so funny to see them deflate. I just laugh and laugh and laugh, and then I cook my meal and swallow it down, but they never suffer. Hardly ever, so I don't see why they should be afraid. I am the Lizard. I hardly ever mean anybody harm...unless they forget to oil my scales.
